I’ve been married for 7 1/2 years and with my spouse for 10 1/2 years. In the US, that is like an eternity. And seeing as 98% of marriages fail these days, I consider hubby and I to be the gold standard of marriage. Just think – 7 1/2 years is enough time to complete half of a bachelor’s degree or remodel a room in your house (but probably not enough time to actually install a backsplash or door trim). 7 1/2 years! Most people have breezed through 3 marriages in that amount of time! So how did we do it? What are the secrets to our success?

1. Alcohol – a few drinks at the end of the day does wonders for a relationship. Makes you forget all that stuff you hated about the person all day. Preferrably, knock back a few before you even leave work*** so there is no time between setting foot in the door and that buzz setting in for you to look at the other person cross-eyed over their insane ideas and thoughts.

2. Don’t speak to each other – I keep hearing my friends and family complaining about this that or the other thing with their partner or spouse and how they aren’t agreeing on something and how can they think that or whatever the case may be. And I just think “duh! just stop talking to him/her!” I don’t get it. If you don’t like something your spouse or partner thinks or says, stick your fingers in your ears. Maybe even stick your tongue out too for good measure.

3. Perfect your glare and voice – Really there is no better way to endear your spouse or partner to you than to glare at them every time they speak. And if you do choose to reply make sure you use “that voice”. You know, the one that no matter what words actually come out of your mouth, all you’re really saying is “you are so stupid for even saying that”.

4. Be disrespectful, dishonest and cheat – what is a spouse for if not to trample like a doormat? Laugh at them when they fall down. Make fun of their goofs. Lie about what you’re doing. Have an affair. You’ll never feel better about your relationship.

5. Never go to counselling – all that talk about therapy and communication and a third party to help sort out your differences? BUNK! Don’t do it! What good is an objective third party to help you see things clearly when you can both just yell at each other until you’re blue in the face repeating the same old lines over and over again day in and day out? That professional is a wacko and doesn’t have any idea how to help real people like you.

6. Be selfish Do you have a hobby? Something you really enjoy doing? Do it in all of your spare time. Love golfing or scrapbooking, playing Wii or just hanging with your friends? Spend at least 200 hours a week devoting yourself to your passion. And when you are home with your spouse, talk about your passion non-stop. He or she will be so thrilled for you that you’ve found something to keep you from paying your spouse any undivided attention at all. This is especially effective if you have children so that while you’re engrossed in your hobby, your spouse is working overtime as parent and you’re ensuring they don’t get a moment to themself unless it’s after midnight.

***please note that remodelingthislife is joking and doesn’t condone drunk driving and in fact will hunt you down and poke your eyes with a stick if you do drive drunk and endanger the welfare of innocent people.